I have been a recovering Codependent for 16 years now. What that means is that I learned how to have mostly unhealthy relationships with people in my life. It means I tried to control others, the outcome, and the terms of my friendships with people. I tried to have my feelings validated, and my sense of self-worth acknowledged usually through caretaking. I needed to be needed.
Codependency is not a dependence on other people. We all depend on others. Codependency is a need to change either another person’s behaviors, or the outcome of someone else’s situation. We look for ways to “help” others. We seek it out. Usually the help is unwanted and the person may feel victimized by the codependent person.
I am in a similar situation with a friend. My codependency wants to tell this person that they have made wrong decisions. I want them to apologize to me – I want my feelings validated. Then, I want to swoop down and rescue them from their bad decision making. However, my recovery tells me that I am helpless when it comes to rescuing others. I have to trust them enough to allow them to make their decisions without interference. If this person wants my help, then they can ask me. Until then, if I try to get involved, I am the only one that will be hurt. I need to step back and let go.
I have issues with letting go. Mentally, I have a tendency to replay events in my mind, looking for all my flaws. I have a vivid imagination. My worst codependent tendency is emotion validation for me. I want to affect others with the rage, anger and sadness I feel that they have inflicted me with. I want to tell my friend how much she pissed me off, how much it upset me, and then I want to tell her what I feel is wrong with her entire life. I want to do this, instead of dealing with my feelings. I want to “give it away” instead of figuring out why I feel this way. It is not a shame to have emotions or to share them others. It is a shame to want someone else to feel the same emotions out of revenge. That is immature and only turns you in to an energy vampire.
The thing that I have to tell myself over and over is this: There is no right or wrong. It is all just a judgment we have placed on someone or something. My friend’s current situation is not wrong. I feel it is wrong, because I’ve allowed myself to feel threatened or victimized. I may be angry at my friend, but that is no reason to say their entire life is wrong. It is just me not dealing with my feelings. The best thing to do is trust them enough to allow them to make their decisions, and usually their treatment of you has absolutely nothing to do with you.
